Square Eyes

Troy

A lot has been made of the leather mini that Brad is wearing in the trailers for this moive, period-accurate thought it may be. Let me say for the record that battle gear is the least of the problems here: there is a sporty knit sarong/shawl combo that leaves the mini in the dust. No amount of leather bracer can reclaim the butch of a man in a sarong and a shawl.

First, the positives.

• You can see the money on the screen. It mostly looks very pretty and expensive. Some of the larger sets are kind of stagey, but they really deliver some knockout visuals.


• Peter O'Toole is in fine voice and does a stellar job in his role.


• The accents are so various that you don't notice how weird Pitt sounds until it doesn't matter anymore

Now, the things that suck.

• Brad Pitt is pouting through the whole movie like he's in a Calvin Klein ad


• The Trojan War is over in less than a week


• Helen of Troy is played by a girl who would look more at home in a video for a power ballad. Winger, maybe. Is there still a Winger? Geez, I'm getting old.


• Directing the expensive and pretty scenery is no substitute for directing your actors. The performances are soap-opera quality.


Can't recommend it, but if you just wanna see an assload of boats and soldiers in skirts, by all means party on.

Cul-de-sac

Sundance channel documentary about a tweaker in San Diego who steals a tank and rampages through suburbia for 23 minutes. Sneaks into your house dressed as "California's Craziest Tank Chases" and ends up being a funny, moving (if slow) treatise on why not to do meth or factory work.

The talktoofast lady and the conspiracy guy are priceless and wholly unironic.

You probably already know why you shouldn't do meth, but everyone can use a little reminder.

Mean Girls

Not bad. Not especially good either. Too wimpy in the third act - missing the bite that makes satire valid. You've seen better variations on this theme before, especially if you're old enough to have seen Heathers. In fact, go out and rent Heathers. That is all.

Super-size Me

By now you know the fallout of this puckish little film. McDonalds won't supersize anyone anymore. They have redoubled their efforts on the yogurt/salad front and are giving out pedometers with their meals.

It's a decent documentary, albeit amateurish and more than a little frat-boy, and you should see it. It includes all kinds of useful information about what fat slobs we Americans are, what kind of terrible foods we consume and how the instant gratification of cheap, warm, instand comestibles has blinded us to the health consequences of dropping all nutritive factors from our collective diet.

The thing is, you know this stuff already. You've been in line at the bank. You know what we look like. You've probably made the choice yourself - the quarter-pounder over cooking. Nothing in this movie is going to be too much of a revelation to people who read. It is more compelling, sometimes, to have someone show you a picture of the orginal large fry next to what we call a large now. It is helpful to be reminded that people are selling half-gallons of soda as individual portions. But you already know at some level that the proliferation of conveniences like these comes at some human cost. You're probably already paying it yourself, one way or another.

The subject is witty and pleasant, if strangely mustachioed, and you will enjoy your time with him. The reason to see this film is to support this kind of muckraking. To vote with your eight bucks for movies that have a little spine to them. This one little film has already dealt a mighty blow to supersizing as we know it, and gotten McDonalds to reposition as a granola factory. Go see it because you want to see the next domino fall.

Envy

If you have to go see this movie - and believe me, you don't - then go for Chris Walken. He is wonderful in it. He's in a Jarmusch movie. He's a combination of witty, sweet and menacing that's probably a new high even for him.

The rest is kind of slow. There are laughs in it, and if they happened closer to each other the director might have something. Jack Black is likable and sweaty, Ben is nervous and awkward, just the way you would expect. The chemistry between them is better than i thought, as well.

The problem is that the director wants it both ways. He wants a movie that delivers a PG-13 and is sweet enough for kids, but also a movie that delves into the uglier side of human nature. You can't really have both. At least, this director can't. As a darker movie, this might have been great. As a lighter movie, this might have been consistently amusing. As it is, it's just dissapointinlgly lame.

Van Helsing

Nothing I say will prepare you for the ways in which this film sucks. It's unintentionally campy all over the place and full of stupid, overblown and undercooked CG stunts. No matter how much you like monsters, or Hugh Jackman, or gothy material in general, you will be disappointed by this movie. This movie is to monster movies what Showgirls is to the erotic thriller.

Stay very far away.